I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Drunk is a universal language darling
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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