why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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