life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
