I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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