Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
