Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
