i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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