My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
