just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
