Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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