now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
