My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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