I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
