he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
