dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
