I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
