She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
