gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My vagina is officially offended.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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