last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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