They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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