fuck your aforementioned shoe
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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