i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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