the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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