You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
