When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
