Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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