I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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