just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
