"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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