These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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