half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
