don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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