It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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