my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
