this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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