My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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