please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
