Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
