My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
