May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
