Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
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