Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
