Betty ford says i'm here all night
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
