rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
sarcasm needs its own font
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
