Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
