I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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