I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
