If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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