i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
