Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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