oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He better not be in your backpack
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
