i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
