i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You took a bar mat shot.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
