I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
