I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
