My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she told me i tasted like america
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
