I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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