I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
