i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
